Today was a very quiet day. It might have been a little too quiet after the past few months which were so full of change and restlessness and busy-ness. Taking a few full days to be at home, to allow some peace to flow without too much pressure felt … odd. I felt a little deflated, a little down. And it was noticeable because it is now unusual.
The three years I spent in western NY, outside of Buffalo was dreary – physically, emotionally, intellectually, even the weather for most of the year was dreary and led to strong bouts of depression.
Here, back in the high desert of the Rockies, my spirits are lifted and I have been peacefully joyful. But, not today. So I pulled some cards to get some perspective:
- How I feel about myself: The World
- Did you ever feel like you were ‘on top of the world’? That everything was flowing perfectly?,That, while you might not have exactly everything you wanted, you knew that you were close and trusted completely that whatever was coming along would be fulfilling and satisfying? Up until today, that’s been my primary feeling over the past three months. So, this card is telling me that while I might be having a slightly ‘off’ day, my trust in myself and my relationship with my intuitive guidance is right on target.
- What I want most right now: Justice
- Here’s how the dictionary defines the word “just” — behaving according to what is morally right and fair; equitable, honorable, decent, honest, ethical, principled, trustworthy. These are the values that I want in my self, in my life, in my world. The lack of justice that I see in the world around me is deeply troubling. I want justice in this world and, from my perspective, my contribution is to help others find the tools and skills to live a full, flourishing, joyful life. And, I have had a recent personal experience in which the people I was dealing with were not honest, ethical, and ended up to be untrustworthy. The situation is not yet entirely resolved and yes, I do want justice to rule here.
- My fears: The Hermit
- This resonates with me. As I mentioned the past three months have been busy and full of people on almost a daily basis. The community that I have become part of is filled with generous, intelligent, kind, and creative folks. Now that I’m settled down in a new home — 20 miles away through wintry, gravel roads, I’m not immersed in the daily hustle and bustle and I feel a bit lonely. I know that I’m choosing to be in this remote place for the next few months so that I can focus on writing and other projects – to become the Hermit for a time – and so I can trust that this is a momentary adjustment and soon I’ll be flourishing in the silence and the stars with the coyotes and ravens.
- What is supporting me: The Star
- This card affirms for me that I am aligned with the flow of Life right now. Like the rainbow after the storm, my life here in New Mexico is a true gift after the difficulties of trying to create a sustainable and flourishing life in a location that did not support me. My intuition was clear that I did not belong there but I had to wait until I understood where I was called to next. I knew from experience that running away never made things better – but moving toward was the right way to go. Imagine standing out at night and gazing up into the limitless night skies filled with the beauty of the stars. That’s how I feel.
- What is my challenge: Death
- This card is, like the Hermit card, is an indication of what I’m leaving behind. I struggled for three years with health issues and depression. While not suicidal, there were certainly times when I wondered why life was even worth it. Not whether … but why … and so I realized that I knew that it was worth it and I was looking for that answer – for the meaning that I had to create/realize for myself. Part of my journey through those difficult times (I call those years my “Buffalo moment”) I had to allow old beliefs, old patterns, old ways of feeling about myself to die. But at some point, that has to end so that life can begin again. And it has.
- My outcome: The Lovers
- While the most common interpretation of this card is to assume that a lover, a new relationship, is coming into your life – it’s not the only or original meaning. Don’t get me wrong, that would be lovely. And if so, this card is an affirmation of other guidance I’ve received recently. However, the original meaning of this card is: Choice. I get to choose the direction of my life. I knew this but didn’t really believe it when I was younger. I felt like a bird trapped in cage – I knew the door was open, that I could fly free, but I couldn’t find the door. Until the day I did. And then, ah, there was choice. What do I choose to believe? How do I choose to act? Who do I choose to be? Those are not easy questions to answers – and each answer has been a journey of discovery. So, perhaps a lover will emerge for me from the energies of The World and The Star … and perhaps I will have the opportunity to make some significant choice soon, one that leads me closer to my own heart.
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